My life as an Atheist

I haven't been honest with you all.


I'm an atheist. Yep. Twelve years and going. But I wager I was an atheist as early as fourteen with some speculation starting around eleven. But I'll give a history lesson leading up to those moments.

When I was a kid, my mother shoved the god nonsense down my throat like all parents who fear a god do. She wasn't a hardcore fundamentalist or evangelical but we'd go to church if she felt the need to. Frankly, I didn't care for it. It was boring, it was tedious and it wasn't anything special. She's not a christian but believed in a god. I was curious as to why someone would believe in god, the christian god to be exact and not be a christian. Years down the line as a young adult I would learn deism, the belief in god but without any affiliation to a religious group.

My grandmother also pushed for church, like all black grandmothers do. I'll get to the black segment in a moment, gotta build up the anticipation. If it wasn't my mother, it was my grandmother. My dad did not give a damn about church. I noticed that a lot of men didn't care for church but may have some spirituality overall. As of now in this date of 6/27/20, I have no spirituality or religious beliefs whatsoever and I'm proud of it.

Now, as any child would, you'd ask about why god exists and how he could be everywhere at once. I asked is that guy or woman being followed by god and my mother said yes blindly without any logical explanation as to why he was following those two people and all of us at the same time. One of my worst memories was actually during and after church. The night before, me and my brother had everyone come over for the night, two good friends and our cousin. Fun all around. It was Easter Sunday that following morning and someone brought a bag of Starburst jelly beans.

Now I hated jellybeans, but for some reason, I ate these. Why? I don't know. But I did.

The next morning, my stomach was acting up. But instead of sleeping it off, I had to go to church and pray my stomachache away.

As soon as service got out, I went to the curb and threw up all those jellybeans. So much for god's healing power. I had an angry look that whole day. Mad at mom for taking me to church, mad at god for not saving me and mad at myself for eating jellybeans and the stuff atop the next morning. When we took pictures, I had a distinct glare in each picture. I went home and rested and got dragged along with grandma to our cousin's apartment and I threw up again.

After that and a nap later I got better. Plus, I had spring vacation to look forward to. All was well.

I won't say that this particular experience made me an atheist, but it turned me off jellybeans forever.

Fast forward to 2003, I was eleven years old and at that moment in time, I was starting to discover things about my body. And you can put two and two together. I swore to god that I was gonna not do my business until I was sixteen. I didn't last a week. That fear of breaking my oath to the sky daddy lingered...until I forgot about it and then remembered it offhand years later and laughed at my own ignorance.

"When you grow up, you'll learn to laugh at your fears." - Piccolo, Dragon Ball Z Episode 7

This applied to a lot of things in my childhood and adolescence. One of those things was the existence of god and the belief of one. Around my peers in middle and high school I would hear various things like "Wearing a black shirt with a cross necklace is a sin". So what? If you wanna wear black and a cross necklace, so be it. My classmate didn't buy it either because he did it again despite the music teacher saying these things.

One day, the science class caught on fire and the entire middle school had to be evacuated and moved to you guessed it - a church. I was talking and cursing up a storm and people were saying cursing in church was a sin. So the fuck what? I didn't say that, but later I thought to myself, so the fuck what? This is a sin, that's a sin, you can't do this on certain days, etc.

Eating shellfish is seen as unclean, fasting from meat on fridays but fish is okay apparently. See the logic? This is spread among Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Catholicism and other beliefs that the Middle East and America declare war over. While there are reasons to not eat animals and fish, valid reasons at that, I think some of those reasons are a bit too much. I ate what I ate and that was it. I don't eat pork, but not for religious or moral reasons, there are better meats to consume, but I will eat it if it's served by someone else.

But back on topic, my beliefs in religion were questioned and tried many times and a lot of that has to attribute to the stuff I watched. The countless nights of watching cable TV and a lot of other things that kids shouldn't be watching or seeing shaped my mind albeit in a dormant manner. When I would return to those same things years later, it not only clicked with me more, I understood them a lot better.

At fourteen, on a fucking Friday night, my brother had the brilliant idea to bring me to a church when I had plenty of games to play and internet sites to browse. We were there for an hour and I hated it. Hated it. I was an introvert and didn't go out much so maybe that was my mother trying to break me out of that. That wasn't the way to do it.

Fifteen, I questioned religion again when I detested going to church one Sunday. She told me that my dead grandmother taught her to teach me the christian way, which means she was a christian...but not really, going back to deism. Another thing I noticed when we were walking to church was a woman going to the same church but wearing a very provocative miniskirt. And her shape was indeed something that got me sprung. Now I made a little scenario that the preacher would try to fool around with her, basing it off the various sitcoms where the black preacher was pulling women or seeking sex in the name of god.

Hoo boy, at fifteen I was calling out the corruption and adultery in the black church subconsciously before I discovered it as an adult. I can't make this up. This woman had two sons my age if not a little younger and she was wearing this with her husband no less. Who goes to church wearing something like this:

Image courtesy of Romprom

Not this exact dress, but the length of the dress mainly. Now imagine that with a woman with say, Cherokee D'ass's shape. To quote a preacher in his moment of hysteria, good god!

End quote.

As I stated, I was questioning religion and god at an early age. The next year, I would move to Savannah, Georgia and it was there where I would not only come face to face with religion tenfold, but also make the ultimatum of where my beliefs system would lean toward...

Eight years of this hell I had to endure.

My new website...

So, it's been a while.
I've finally went and got my own personal website up and running. The website itself serves as a platform to promote the Mission Series novels.

Welcome to the World of Mission!

I wrote a book.

No, really. I wrote a book.

What is Mission about? Well, as the cover says, it is a series where adventures, dreams and journeys await. Four kids travel around, and find an interesting sight in a large sea. From there on, the adventures, dreams and journeys come to pass. One of the main recurring themes of Mission is friendship. Making friends comes easy with our cast, and said relationships excel to other ventures and opportunities. The general idea came to me around 2012, but the name goes as far back as 1999, when I was seven and played with my friends in the park. One made up a game called Mission and we would make up worlds and scenes all around our jungle gym. It was a simple game made by kids that made me want to write about a group of kids going around the world and seeing various places like the ones we thought up.

On the note of the cast, there isn't a sole main character, but a cast of main characters. Currently ten in the first volume. I felt this was a better way to structure the story. One of the inspirations I took from was One Piece, not in the setting, but how it treats its characters. A character can show up much later after they're introduced and play a major part in the story. I think that a book can flourish when you focus on the characters and develop them. This is why I don't do a main character, though if I had to pick a character to lead the cast, it'd have to be Lee, the oldest of the four kids. He is prominent through the general draft/plans I have with the series, but I make sure to give the other characters more exposure. Juggling characters can keep things from getting stale, but mixing up too many characters can stifle creativity as well.

On that note, let's talk the characters. We have Lee, the main kid coming of age. Then you have Red, a plucky kid with a goofy smile. Next is Tara, a young girl that gives her support to her friends and last but not least, we have Ingred, whose actual name is Red, but to avoid confusion with the other Red, was nicknamed Ingred. It's around when the moment when they find out more about him and what he can do is where the general story picks up. So, he's more or less the source of everyone's eventual status and discovers.

Another element that can build a strong story is the world your characters live in. The setting, basically. Building your world can draw in readers, moreso if you develop the world with great detail and a format that almost makes it seem like the world could exist somewhere in real life. One Piece again has a very interesting world, one with a lot of undertones and layers and we don't even know about it in its entirely. Twenty years and Eiichiro Oda has still kept people interested. I've been invested in One Piece a decade this year, and the payoff has been superb. And on that note, it's only been ten months, but Hunter x Hunter has stayed fresh in my mind, as much as One Piece with how well-written and developed the story, world and characters are. A shame Yoshihiro Togashi's health problems and family (His wife is the author of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, another series I took some pages from with two of the main characters featured) keep the manga from frequent updates, but what is there to read is fantastic.

I admit I try to keep it simple, but a bit of complexity can go a long way. However, too much complexity can stall a story and harm it, and too many unresolved plotlines makes things messy. As it stands, Mission will have continuity, and keep things simple enough to keep things fresh in the reader's mind. On that note, continuity is key, too. One thing that I like is seeing previous elements return, especially if they drive the story. Characters growing, aging and developing makes you invested in them and it almost feels like you grew up alongside them, if not vice versa. I understand that format may not work with all works, and there is a plus with keeping a character the same for worldwide appeal (Mario, Mickey Mouse, etc). but it does work when handled correctly.

This is my first self-published book, and it does show. It's not perfect, that I know. It's not the greatest story, that I also know. And of course it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. That is certain. But, I know this much: It's gotta be better than Twilight (Whoops) and various other amounts of cringeworthy erotica (Not that Mission is intended to be an erotica series, period).

So, with that said, why not give Mission a read? If you like it, great. If not, that's fine as well. This is my first book, so I'll have to learn somehow. I think you'll like it if you're into adventure, fiction and fantasy.

Click here to buy the book.

The Mascot Dilemma

Remember all of those mascot characters? Y’know, the ones with the colors and cartoony designs? Yeah, those. Remember how you would see them in just about every game back in 80’s and 90’s? Where did they go and what happened to them? It seems that the only mascots that are around are Mario, Donkey Kong and Sonic. In the sense of general appearances. You can put Pikachu in that category, too. I’d even say Pika is higher up on the ladder.

Well, I have a bit of the theory on what happened to these mascots. Now, keep in mind that some of the stuff I’m about to say while being a theory, is well-documented.

Meet today's iconic video game protagonists: Niko Bellic, Solid Snake and

eighteen other guys that are indistinguishable. Image by Hubpages.

The gradual disappearance of mascot characters is in collaboration with the increasingly large amount of everymen. What are everymen? They’re your go-to every day white dude with a scraggly beard, five-o’ clock shadow and brown hair. Now, Mario is this, but with a mustache. But he’s a mascot, and cartoony. Someone like Nathan Drake isn’t.  Now, when did we see this? Around the seventh generation of consoles, the PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii. But we need to go a little further back. Back in 1995, the SNES and SEGA Mega Drive were the top consoles, but there were new consoles coming 

 along, ones that stressed their utilization of…

GROUND BREAKING 3-D

The 3DO, Atari Jaguar, just to name a few. And then you had the SEGA Saturn and Playstation. Back then, 3D was a big deal. It was a notable jump from your usual 2D games. Me, I wasn’t really wowed by it. I just wanted to play games. However, this was where a lot of people came in to gaming, being impressed by those low-polygon models. These people ranged from people who knew nothing on video games and people who didn’t like video games. The latter? These people teased and bullied those who liked video games. Games like Mario and Sonic were ‘gay’ and ‘lame’, and games with blood and gore or some scraggly white dude (Yes, they existed then) are ‘cool’. But they wouldn’t know since they really don’t play them as often or frequent. Now, with the inclusion of 3D graphics, games were seen as cool and everyone was getting into it. 

But anyone that knows video games knows this much: Graphics do not make the game. This was a problem with some games on the Genesis and SNES: They looked good, but the gameplay and controls were poor. The jump to 3D only magnified which games were bad, and the bad ones were BAD. A dear friend of mine, practically a brother brought a game called Killing Zone. It was a 3D fighter, an early one for the PS1. He brought it and dropped it that night. It was bad, clunky and downright unenjoyable. The music stuck out to me and the skeleton character that turned into a giant skull when it jumped. That’s it. And never mind the 3DO and Jaguar. Those were even less powerful, and had less 3D capabilities than the Saturn.

But in spite of the growing pains, 3D gaming slowly became refined and playable. But back to the topic at hand, 3D wasn’t just the new best thing, cinematic FMV’s were also pushed. Most of the disc space used were for the FMV’s. Instead of pushing for games with great content and lasting appeal, they used that space for fifteen second clips. Final Fantasy VII is guilty of this. For the most part, games that tried to be games were still plentiful. You had mascots running around, the good, the bad and the odd.

But, around the turn of the generation, with the PS2, the Xbox and the Gamecube, these mascots started to thin out. Some were still around, but the notable ones were in decline, or tried to jump and fell to their deaths. At this point, graphics were getting more and more detailed and certain franchises popped up or broke out into popularity. You know the ones. Halo and Call of Duty were to the FPS genre what Sonic was to video games: When they got popular, everyone wanted a CoD and a Halo. Everyone was pushing for a mascot. The bad ones were bad and the ones in the middle needed more. But I’ll take ten colorful mascots over ten brown and bloom war simulators. 

I saw this as early as ’07. First person shooters were played by people who weren’t really into video games. The dudebro audience. Companies were pushing out FPS’es in droves, wanting to be CoD or have the next CoD and so-called professional reviewers were handing out 9/10 Game of the Year accolades left and right. Now, these companies were trying to push FPS’es as the main go-to genre and while some of them were unique and even tried to have something that stood out from the rest, there was an oversaturation of war sims and every other game was now in the first person perspective. Why?

Because the target audience for these games are people who didn’t like the cute, colorful mascots that were seen as childish. This is also where games were trying to be pushed as an artform. The rise of graphics and cinematics made for a wider appeal throughout. Tactics that were common in Hollywood are now being inserted into video games. Marketing is also a major factor in movies being promoted. Games like Call of Duty are heavily marketed, with promotional deals and the like, The Halo 4 tie in with Doritos and Mountain Dew being a notable example of how large video game marketing became.

So, you have marketing, Hollywood-esque elements and cinematics. But what does this have to do with mascot characters? Mascot characters like Mega Man, Bomberman, Pac-Man, Mario, Donkey Kong, Sonic, Spyro and Crash are to video games now what characters like Shrek, Spongebob and Bugs Bunny are to cartoons and film: Childish. If you have a cute character that appeals to children, or gives that impression, it’ll be seen as such. The games where you’re a faceless person moving about in the first person perspective are seen as adult and mature, and it isn’t coincidental that they’re rated M for mature.

And since we’re diving into the whole push for video games being like movies, this is another factor in the latter format: The faceless guy is usually a scraggly white guy. Someone that said target audience can ‘relate’ to. I have a problem with this. Not because they’re scraggly white guys, but because this is all they are. You can do your FPS perspectives with any character. Hell, Banjo-Tooie had an FPS mode. Make some FPS’es with mascot characters, it’s been done. There’s an FPS with schoolgirls and tentacle monsters. I'll play that before Generic War Simulator 14.

But I don’t care about being represented in video games. It’s been done before and moreso before feminists made it an issue. Killer Instinct? Shadow Man? The Combatribes? Street Fighter? Mortal Kombat? Just to name a few. Shadow Man’s protagonist was a black man. All the games mentioned have blacks as playables. While they’re not mascots or cartoony, they’re there. I have the choice to use them. I don’t need someone to look like me to relate to them. The ‘relatable’ excuse is just that – an excuse. You can’t play video games unless you have some generic white guy you can put yourself in? I have to do that every day when I boot up a game. I have to see what my character’s objectives are and go for them. I have to put myself in his shoes and go through his struggle. 

This is why I prefer mascot characters. I don’t have to deal with the bullshit above. I can just play their game. Save X from Y, or stop X from destroying Y. Simple shit. Going back to the feminists, we’ve had female characters in games. This also isn’t anything new. We’ve had them for the longest. You just don’t want to take the time to find these females in gaming. Just because the majority of gamers are men, doesn’t mean the industry is sexist. Just because said females are beautiful doesn’t mean they’re objectifying or offensive. This goes back into self-insertion: If you have to have a white guy in your games to enjoy them, you’re part of the problem. If you have to have an ugly woman in your video games to enjoy them, you’re part of the problem. Stop trying to make video games like real life: I want to escape the real world when I play video games.

Bring back my mascots!

Well, as I said before this was just a theory on why I feel mascots have more or less died off. The companies who owned them dying didn’t have anything to do with the FPS genre’s rise, granted. And we do have a few mascot-esque characters still popping up from time to time. I hope we get more mascot-like games in the future.

VIDEO AT LAST:

I don't celebrate Black History Month.

It's February. Know what that means? Next to my second most hated holiday(And I may write a piece on that one), it's also Black History Month. Let me just say for the record, I do not hate Black History, nor do I look down on those who celebrate or acknowledge it. It's just the fact that for a whole month, we suddenly have to stop and take a look at what accomplishments black Americans have made, when we can do that all year round. And I do just that.

Black History Month to me, is just a ploy to remind America that it was and still is an incredibly racist and shitty country to be in. Did you know that Marcus Garvey Carver made over 300 inventions from peanuts? He didn't make peanut butter, though. Shocker. Did you know that you always hear the same old tales of black triumph from commercials featuring hip-hop artists and celebrities whose videos, music and the like shit on the legacy of those who fought and got beaten so they could have the right to shower phat ass hoes with money and champagne? I already know I'm gonna see at least five of these commercials with a normal black personnel, if not an athlete or an artist talking about Rosa Parks for the umpteenth time. So, here's some lesser known stubs and trivia you'll never hear on these adverts.

-Did you know that Jesse Owens, when he received the gold medal in the Berlin Regime, was acknowledged by Adolf Hitler when he was alive? Some say he shook hands with the infamous dictator, others say he received a nice wooden cabinet. It is confirmed that Germany treated him far better than America. And the recent movie about Owens will likely make it so that Hitler snubs him completely. Can't have Mein Fuhrer in a good light, now can we?

Hey, it was more than FDR did.

-Richard Wright. He was an author who would write a number of books, one notable title being Black Boy. He loved to read, but had a grandmother who was pussywhipped by the belief in God who saw said pieces of literature he loved, and possibly the thought of reading above a kindergarten level to be the Devil's work. He pretty much had an adventure and a half during his youth, and became a well-known author, traveling to parts of Europe and Africa during his adult years. He also mentioned hunger as an analogy for wanting more out of life. And we got a lot of hungry people out there (Myself included). Basically he decided to be his own man, do his own thing, became successful and pissed off a bunch of his fellow Negro kin. He died in 1960.

-Jack Johnson. He would become a professional boxer, and the first black professional heavyweight boxer.  He was a big black man who could knock a white man into a coma and loved alcohol and white women. And no one could say or do a thing to him. Even more proof, when he defeated James J. Jeffries, white people all over America came rioted and attacked black folks for celebrating Jack's triumph, when they could have just captured and lynched him on the spot. You sure showed them, white America. He was also the reason the Mann Act came into effect, after marrying and having sex with his white wife when he beat the shit out of Jeffries that same night. Take notes, Mayweather.

-Greenwood, Tulsa. Prior to 1921, Greenwood was a utopia for black America. You could find grocers, hospitals, a fire department, a police force and just about everything else in a typical American town. And all of it was black-owned and operated! It even got the name "Black Wall Street". Basically, they got their shit together and worked for a good community, in the prime of lynchings and KKK mobs. What do we have now that can even compare to that? Empire? The NAACP? Nigga please. The damage in the Tulsa race riot was so immense, we never saw another like it. I'm serious. Three billion dollars in synthetic hair, yet none of it comes back to us.

-Another relation to blacks outside America, in WWII, most of the black soldiers were treated very well, and respected. Almost like humans. Who knew? One instance in Britain had English soldiers tell off the American soldiers for treating their own allies like dogs. Your shame is documented all over the world, America. Do something about it.

-Someone, somewhere, will say or do something racist in protest to Black History Month. If it's not a politician, a right-wing idiot or some random white person, it's usually all of the above. To me, they may as well be. Let's see who makes the front page this month.

-As someone who considers video games to be a detrimental part of his life, I've been playing Dynasty Warriors and similar games in its style. Did you know that the Civil Rights Movement has enough activists to make a roster bigger than the current Dynasty Warriors game? Koei-Tecmo, if you're looking to expand into other historical pieces for ideas, try American (Black) History. There's more drama, despair and honor (maybe not so much of that) to be found than in every soap opera and major motion picture ever released. You could even do a hypothetical route where MLK lives and pursues his attempted killer with a siege spear, have Emmett Till's (whoops) fictional brother avenge his death, or have the Bloods and Crips band together and make the Purple Bandana Rebellion. Maybe even have Cash Money Records be nothing more than a figment of one's imagination.

-Hip-Hop is forty years old! And it only stayed great for twenty.

But look at me go on. The point I'm making is, Black History Month doesn't decide when I celebrate black history. I do. I always remember Jack Johnson and Malcolm X, along with Rosa Parks and Sojourner Truth. And if I catch wind of anyone else who paved the way for me to make a tasteless joke relating a video game series to the struggles of Civil Rights Leaders and similar people (Give it a millennia, it'll be okay then), I'll look them up and acknowledge them there and then, instead of waiting until February to be told I'm allowed to acknowledge them. Happy New Year to you lot.

P.S: Robert Smalls was a bad motherfucker.

I Hate People: Conclusion

To end this series of posts, I'm going to say this: I don't hate people intentionally or hate them just to hate. I need reasons to dislike or hate a person and sadly, there are a lot of people out there whom I have reason to hate. Even if it's not direct and personal, I still can hate a person because of what they show in terms of personality and character. I can't stand most spoiled rich kids, fools who've not worked a day in their lives and expect everything on a silver platter. It's sickening. I can't stand the fools who think that because of their religious upbringing, makes them better than someone else who doesn't follow what they practice. Gotta love all the hatred muslims get for their appearance. Yep. They're the ones who caused 9/11. Of course. Just by appearance. I hate those people. I hate cops. I hate gossipers, I hate the government for what they do/don't do. I hate almost everyone and everything. It doesn't take much to annoy me and there's a lot that annoys me.

And while we're on the subject of appearance, gotta love how everyone considers you to be lowly and worthless because of your skin color, right? It's not even a matter of what you know or how you act, that skin is either a benefit or a curse. Some people just don't want to overlook that. Well fuck them. I'm not the ones who keep their pants down off their asses. I'm not the ones who try to scheme their way into doing less work and the like. It's frustrating and it's only a small part of what makes me hate people, but damn if it isn't the reason I've gotten severely bitter over the last few years. Both sides piss me off. The ones who perpetuate the stereotypes and the ones who judge all who look akin to the ones who perpetuate the stereotypes. I can't take it. It's also funny how some people claim what I go through is overreacting or that I have so much in my favor. Well, you know why Affirmative Action exists? Because fuckheads will automatically cast me aside based on appearance. If I'm in a college course, it's because of a handout or I'm playing sports. And guess what? Even with that fancy slip with the stamp on it, I'm still not getting hired. I'm still not getting interviews or I'm being told that the place I'm applying for isn't hiring.

It's not just jobs. It's society in general. Don't act the way you look? You're gonna catch shit for it. Black male not tattered in tattoos and jewelry? Speaks appropriately(and I hear that one from black people as well, says a lot, no?)? Wants to do something that's not rapping or shooting the J? Attack him! Make him feel bad for not doing what was forced on us by the ones in power. Whites can do whatever the hell they want and no one will bat an eye. Blacks do one thing wrong and the whole race is doomed. And even if you're picture perfect, they still hate that. Hell, they hate it more. But I don't want to make this just a racial thing. No. It's not racial at all. It's social, though racism is the result of social interaction. Based on how I carry myself, that decides everything. Be it jobs, who accepts/neglects you or women. And that last one strikes a nerve with me. Another reason I don't go for relationships. I get the scraps and the manager's specials. Pass.

There are a lot of scumbags and shitheads out there who aren't worth the time. Too many. I've been alone for a while and friendships are something I don't even consider. Now in adulthood, that has become a reality. It's that reason alone why I'm where I'm at now, why I don't have some wench draining my resources and it's why life is just a little harder for me. And for everyone similar to me, they suffer as well. But the one good thing from this all is, in spite of my experiences, all of the misanthropy made me better as a person. I don't act like an asshole intentionally anymore, and when I do, it's just playfully. But even then, I'm a much better person because of it. Just because the world is filled with hate doesn't mean I have to be hateful. But damn if that hatred isn't justified hating towards. You can love your enemy as that book of stories says but what's the use? People don't learn. Attitudes stay the same, minds cannot be changed. So let people be shitty humans then. I won't fall for it. And for the few who cross my path and judge me accordingly, good on you.

For everyone else, you only continue to give me another reason why I hate people.

I Hate People Part V: Social Circles

So remember what I said last post? No? Go read it then. In this world, you can have all the skill and talent that you can have and none of that won't matter if you don't know the right people. You think that ditz is giving orders because she worked hard to get to that position? You think that fat, lazy middle-aged woman is a supervisor because she knows her job well? And more importantly, you think that the CEO's of video game companies are where they at because they love video games? Please. They got there because someone they know personally recommended them to their boss. And if they don't know someone, they blew someone, which makes them known. I'm not saying that everyone in a high-end position got there because of foul play or favoritism, but knowing a good amount of people can open doors for you.

Now for the person who isn't as lucky to know the right people, what does that mean for you? It means you're staying at the same position you started at for twenty plus years. That co-worker is getting somewhere in a short time because they know someone. Family is important, too. A third cousin will get you a job or a date. Down here, everyone is family. Everyone has a connection. It's rare not to have that connection. But then again, not everyone is lucky to have such a privilege. When I saw this at my job, even when I innovated and put extra effort in the work, of course I got overlooked. It was infuriating and stressful. I was pissed off and even surlier than usual. I don't like when it happens. Hard work should be the key factor. Why is this no longer a priority? The wrong people got into power, the ones who were given their positions rather than earn it and they make the shots, the rules and decide who gets a slice of the pie. So what can you do about it? Keep working hard. Don't do it for those assholes, but for yourself. Things tend to come back, be it at work or before you die. Even if it's small, at least you got something out of it, right?

RIGHT? Yeah.

But this is pretty much the common factor in the workforce and the corporate world. The managers and the like are getting nice bonuses for the holidays and we get fifteen extra dollars and some discount seasonal items if we're quick enough to get them before the customers. For what it's worth, it was a perk, but I and many others who put a good day's effort could be getting more. For those who are looking into or may possibly become a manager or obtain a high position at whatever you work at, do the right thing. Give the lower employees their worth. If they work hard, give them that promotion and do the right thing. I'm sick of seeing this all over. Just because someone doesn't know a bunch of people doesn't make them irrelevant at all. It doesn't. Stop prioritizing superficial nonsense over what really matters. But even then, it's still a plus to know some people. But not everyone is lucky to get a friend. And the ones that people call friends are probably the last people you'd want to know anyway. This was my situation. After months of stressful nights, stressful co-workers, unpleasable customers and blatant favoritism, I couldn't handle it anymore. And I was moving to another area. I put my time into that instead. those two years of working that job taught me more than what I learned in high school. It shaped me into the person I am today and it made into a better person in the long run. Just because a large sum of the population is shitty, doesn't mean that I have to be. I thank and acknowledge everything that is being done to me when I'm out at a restaurant or in a store. Basically, what my parents taught me as a kid, I didn't forget.

Say please and thank you. And do so without an attitude.

I Hate People Part IV: The Workforce

We are now at 2011, where I had finally found a job at the Kroger Company. It was very convenient for me, as it was only a five minute walk from where me and mom were staying at. The job was simple and to the point: Bag, clean, pull carts, restock. Monkeys could do it. Now this is where my misanthropy and surliness developed fully and here, there was genuine reason. Let's make a list of the causes of it.

-Customers. The customer is always right? No. The customer is supposedly responsible for my check? Also no. The customer's purpose is to buy the products the store has to offer. They do not actually cause your check to become what it is when you get it. Your hours are what decides the check's value. Proof of this, I was always helpful and wanted to help the customer out. There were genuine people who needed help. I was happy to lend a hand. Now, with all of the people I helped, all the people who made my check possible, you would think on a busy day, all that assisting would pay off literally, right?

WRONG. Your check is based on the hours you spent clocked in and alternatively, if you're buddy-buddy with the higher ups. Customers only serve as a reason to buy the store's products or to make a would-be smooth day tedious. I got my share of really shitty customers whom found one thing wrong or off and that would be my ass. Be it waiting in a long line or if I didn't smile or say hello(Not that they'd respond anyway). There's a nice little review list we got that customers would post their comments on. Let me just say some of them were hilarious and not in a good way. And in terms of who we got as customers, if they weren't the unpleasable types, they were the EBT users. And I despise EBT with a passion. What was meant to help people in times of poverty is now an abused source of food and a net to trap the users in so they can never get off it. Why is it that the majority of people who used this system used it to buy junk food and things that they don't need? And it's not a usual order, this is three carts of groceries that I'm bagging. What the hell is going on? The only things you can't buy are hot food and non-food items. You can buy soda, candy, chips, cookies and a wide array of meat and seafood all in one order. And what really gets me is the line where people say, "I wish I could get a job. You're truly blessed!"

How in the flying fuck am I blessed to have a job where I make a little over a hundred dollars a week and have to ration that money from rent to necessities?! These same people who are buying steaks and shrimp are telling me I'm blessed to have a job where I can't leisurely buy those things like they can. Even if I saved up enough for a month's time, it still wasn't enough to buy what they can seamlessly over a month. And considering how everyone knows someone and everyone is having kids and whatnot, those cards are not scarce. WIC, I have no problems over because you have no say in what you can get from those slips. One customer wanted big lima beans and she couldn't. So the customer is always right? No. Never. They don't do a damn thing for your check. Don't be scared to tell one off. You're a person like they are. If they think they can use that line to their advantage, they're wrong. And the CEO's are pansies for bending down so quickly. This goes for old people who don't have an ID for their cheap wine. You being eighty is an accomplishment, but you still need ID. Sorry. You fought for my rights(What rights? The ones my group were and still are denied to this day???) to do what I do? You also fought for the rights and laws we have in effect today. I don't care how old you are, respect is earned, not inherited. I didn't smile or feel the need to after over a year of working. I was pissed off and stressed. This is what adulthood felt like. It was a reality of what people truly are. And that goes into my next point.

-Circles. Social ones to be exact. Now as you know, I didn't have these in my new environment. I was alone. A lone wolf trying to get his scraps. Now I had been there a few months before I caught wind of why social circles dominate skills and trades. I saw that people who were in my position as a Courtesy Clerk were moving up to newer positions. Be it the register or a new department. The pants kicker? I was there longer than they were. Not to undermine or insult them, they were just as competent as I was and damn awesome to boot. But why is it that because they may know a person who works in another department, they got promoted first? This made me question my overall experience and take a better look at things. You think that working hard and being quick and efficient was the key to moving up. Not that I was trying to do this but it'd be a nice way to show your worth and competence, right? Not at all. This is a key aspect of life itself and if you don't know it, you'll know now:

It's not what you know, it's who you know.

And if you don't know the right people, you ain't getting anywhere in life. No one can do it alone, so what can you do if you are alone? Try. And try your absolute hardest. But based on what I went through, your hardest isn't enough. It'll bear some fruit, but you need an orchid's worth and I didn't get that much. I'll dive into the social circle aspect some more next post. And once again, if you don't know, know this.

It's not what you know, it's who you know.

I Hate People Part III

Continuing my personal tale of misanthropy, I had gained friends and friendships. However, due to my grandmother's death in 2005, she left us some property. Two years later, it was settled that we were moving down to Georgia to tend to it. After school ended in 2008, I was slated to leave. I spent one good day with my friends, doing stuff and acknowledging their company. It was a good feeling. A feeling I haven't felt since. July of 2008, I left New York without even a single goodbye. Mom was already sad having to leave her friends as well, but at least she was able to call them. I thought too much about New York and the elements I grew up around. I had relatives and all that down south but I was a donkey in a horserace. I felt out of touch. Going forward to senior year, it was a new experience. My last year in school and it wasn't with the people who I started high school with. Everyone spoke considerably worse English, everyone else on average was different than what I usually dealt with, it was a shock. Now that doesn't mean that everyone was bad, but I didn't gain any friends, period. Take the time to think about that one.

Now, for my last year, I didn't really argue with people. I was pretty much to myself. If anyone came to me, it was peacefully, mostly. Questions were asked, but I didn't feel threatened. The only time I dealt with pains in the ass were with freshmen and those little tarts aren't worth losing your attendance over(and in this new environment, your life). Otherwise, it was a mixed bag. One thing I took wind of was the amount of pregnancies I saw. Three times the amount I saw in my old school. This made me reconsider wanting to take the initiative. What I would see later on in life would be one of the main reasons I hate modern society. But let's keep it chronologically in order. There were some like-minded people that shared my interests, but they were a little young. I had to keep some distance. My shell that I was slowly coming out of was shut tight again. And I'll just say this: Compared to what I encountered in New York, what I saw in Georgia and Savannah High were three steps below. Poverty-ridden students, pregnant girls all over, it was a mess. And the attitudes were slightly worse. I went through a literal culture shock. It didn't help that I got sick in graduation. That sullied my last year in high school, which was done for to begin with.

Now, upon being able to heal, I was pissed off. Not a friend to connect with, not a prom to go to, nothing memorable save for three teachers who were awesome. I didn't like my last year. I look back and realize I could have gotten some long-lasting relationships, maybe went to my prom, possibly gotten a high school fling and the like. But nope. We moved for property that we had to give up anyway. And I later found out we could have stayed in NY and be somewhat better off than we are now.

Isn't life grand? You never know what it'll throw at you.

I Hate People Part II

So, by now you already know my deal with people. They're shitty. Point blank. Now continuing from my last post, middle school is where my hatred for people and my development of misanthropy started. Now, the adults were supportive of me. That much I can say. Anyone in my age range? Few in between and I didn't see them after I moved on to high school.

Freshman year. A new environment and new people. Now, what happened? I found acquaintances. They were nice and didn't do that typical ignorant nonsense I'd expect from other peers. They were okay. Of course, there had to be one. And it was one individual who to this day I have disdain for. He didn't make things easy for me in the beginning. But of course, when I showed some aggression, I can't take a joke. I'm too serious. I'm gonna shoot up the school, according to a classmate that migrated from my middle school with me. While I will plead guilty to having those thoughts and they are fun as hell to replay mentally, common sense told me not to do so.

Now I wanna rewind back to 2003. I went away to Life Tech Ventures for a month. It was a fulfilling experience and I learned and saw a lot of things. It would be perfect were it not for two reasons: My party whom I came with. This is where the torment started. There was one individual that was fifteen who enjoyed doing this to me. I wanted to punch his fat fucking face. I didn't have to see him for the third week. But that's where reason two comes in: Mom forgot to pack a blanket. I caught a fever. My temperature was 103.8. That sullied the whole trip. But for what it's worth, everyone was supportive of me and wished for a full recovery. Thanks to everyone who did that. If I could, I'd hug you all.

Too much positivity. Back to reality, that one who tormented me was already in my blacklist. But of course, there were more. So many more. However I can admit at this point, not everyone was out to pick meat off my bones. This is where I felt more hatred for myself and people, but mainly myself. The ones who were nice to me, I attacked. I did it out of fear of being hurt. It wasn't a good feeling. I've tried to repent for it and lucky to say, I did it with a few people, then and recently. Facebook for what it's worth does serve a purpose other than corporations trying to wire in on modern social connections for statistics and the like. But moving on. Around sophomore year, things got a little more...bearable. Same people I hated, gave me more reason to hate them(indirectly, but an asshole is an asshole.). I had some eyes from female classmates on me. But I was not about to get any of them pregnant. Thank you illogical relatives and Maury Povich. That man has made more money off black teenage ignorance than fashion lines and rap music combined. Looking back, one little taste wouldn't have hurt, right? Lost opportunity. But when I would reach my senior year, this would be something I'd have a split view on.

Around this time, I gained friends. Shocker. Yep. Three main ones, a few more secondary ones. This was getting to me a lot because I was really in a state of chaos(overeating, I know)and this happened. The teasing was at this point just that - teasing. It didn't bother me at all anymore. I could really shake that shit off with no problem. I think it was true what they said about high school being the high point of your life. So much to do and so many people to connect with. I even had some(SOME)changes of heart. This bleeds straight into junior year, which was probably my best year of school after sixth grade. 2007 was untouchable. So many good things happened to me. Outside of school, and in school. Now, what does this have to do with hating people? Well, if you go back to the beginning, I said that whenever I gain some friendships, I lose them before I know it. I can't keep friends for some reason. And Facebook was starting up around this time, but before that was the scourge known as MySpace. Women who post ass and tit pics as their avatars wanting friends non-stop. This was the first of many steps to ruining my life. What they are? I'll tell you in the future. But moving on. I gained more friends, strengthened the friendships I had and I even connected with them. But like all good things, they must come to an end.

Tune in for the next part of this wonderful journey into my closet.

I Hate People

As far as I can remember, I've come to realize this one thing.

People are terrible. How terrible? Very. As a first grader who was friendly with a lot of old classmates from kindergarten, I realized that the feelings I had for them weren't exchanged back the way I expected them to be. Because of the fact that I had on glasses, I got the usual four-eyes sneers and words similar to it. Now this makes you think, this was only elementary school. People grow up, don't they? Hell no, they don't. I didn't have friends at all unless I had stuff or gave them stuff. It's funny how people want to be around you when you get something. Rappers and celebrities know this one all too well. It's the same with the common man(child). If I had Pokémon cards, I had people who wanted to trade/talk with me. Didn't have that? None of that happened. And isn't it funny how when you do get some people who you can call a 'friend', fate makes it so you can't stick with them for long?

Yep. As soon as sixth grade passed, the people who I got acquainted with went their separate ways. And this is before MySpace and Facebook. You didn't have any way to contact them like you do now. So, goodbye friends, hello newfound enemies. Middle school happened. If I didn't get teased for my glasses, it was my voice and this is what drove me to dislike people tenfold. Can't overlook something you have no control over, nope. Gotta tease and make fun of them for it. And if you dare get violent or show some aggression, you can't take a joke. I was jus' playin' wit ya, damn. I don't get how pushing and throwing books at me is playing around. Maybe if I killed you and said that same thing, you and everyone else would think otherwise, no? Your childhood years and especially your adolescent years are the prime years for your growth and development. If you aren't seeing things happen to you that are good, if you aren't around people who want you to succeed or rather help you, you're gonna turn out bad. The adults gave a shit, thankfully. The kids?

HAH! They can all burn for all I care. But like elementary, I gained some people who I could call 'friends'(I don't use the word loosely). And guess what happened? New school, new people to hate, more people to lose out on. And again, this was before Facebook and MySpace. Kids had cell phones, but why are thirteen year-olds on their cells during class to begin with? I feel as though in middle school, I was the only one who was supposed to be there. Everyone else was around fourteen, fifteen at the most. One seventeen year-old gave me a nice battle scar on two of my teeth. Dickhead. Why the fuck is a seventeen year-old in fucking middle school??? What the fuck was going on with that? I can imagine who else he attacked. He's proof public school is cancer. A lot of classmates were proof of that alone. But it also solidified my views on the world and people. And that is...

People are shitty. And this is just the beginning.